Its that time of year again when traditionally we all beat ourselves up for the many things that we failed to achieve last year and we promise ourselves that we will do better this time.

I have a habbit on New Year’s Eve. While I am transfering all of the ‘important information’ from the old diary to the new one I make a note of five things from the ‘outgoing” year that I really enjoyed, or want to remember or that I am proud of. This is a very helpful excercise as it is very easy to remember all the ‘bad stuff’ and the worry and to completely forget all the things that made the year unique and wonderful. Once you start to think about it, its amazing how many things come to mind. For example, this time last year we had a very new business and no idea how well it was going  to do. This year we have achieved wonderful things well beyond our wildest dreams for the first full year and that is something to remember and celebrate.

Also last year, I finally felt that I had time and leisure (and indeed, mental energy) to start thinking seiously again about my own spiritual journey. This is something that has been an intrinsic part of my life for quite literally as long as I can remember and it has taken me to some amazing and, sometimes, challenging places. Recently, however, it had been in stasis. The normal worries of life and getting over the stresses of the last four years (divorce, new partner, giving up teaching, starting a new career, finishing a Master’s Degree; just the normal stuff!) had got in the way and I didn’t have much time for contemplation. Last year that started to ease off just a little and I spent some time reading some excellent books and thinking about who I was, where I had come from and where I was going. Some of the conclusions were quite interesting (I needed a continuation sheet for the ‘religion’ section of the census!) I also finally got round to starting the OBOD course. The jury is still out on that one. Much of it is not new but that may be because I had had many of the same thoughts and worked through many of the concepts a long time ago. It certainly ticks a lot of the boxes for me. I think Druidry might be some of ‘my answer’ but probably not all of it. More of this later, perhaps, but certainly something worth celebrating!

Another thing worth celebrating is my health. In October 2011 I was dignosed with diabetes which, perhaps not unsurprisingly, came as a bit of a shock. Initially it was terrifying and I was convinced that it was a slow-burn death sentence. Now, well over a year later it seems to be under control with my last set of test results described by the nurse as ‘perfect’.

All of these things would be easy to forget about and it is important to take the time to consider them, to be thanksful for them and to allow myself to feel some pride in accomplishing them. Not something that comes easily to me.

I also write into my diary five things that I want to achieve in the coming year. The downside of this is that I look at the five I wrote last year and realise how little of it I actually managed. ‘Loose weight’ has been a firm favourite for many years, as has ‘do more work’, ‘start writing’ and ‘finish everything on your to-do list’. It makes prety depressing reading to be honest. This year I have decided to do things a little bit differently. It has occured to me that if I consistently set myself unachievable targets its no surprise when I fail to achieve them! Also, by implication, most of these resolutions are, in fact, cunningly disguised rods to beat myself with. ‘Loose weight’ is all very well, but what it really means is ‘You’re too fat and you can’t do anything about it…you’re useless!’ Not a good starting point!

One of my less good habits is that I tend to spend a long time procrastinating about a task I have to do and then, at the last minute, completeing it in a ridiculously short time. (It took me three days to write up my MA dissertation, spending around 15 hours each day). This is not something I enjoy and every year I promise myself that I am not going to do it anymore, and yet, every year it happens again. It has taken me a while to work out what the underlying problem is. The full enormity of the situation dawned on me in the days after Christmas when I finally had a little bit of time to experiment with a new hoby: polymer clay. I have been working up to this since last Spring when I had a burning desire to do something with my hands rather than with my mind for a change. I had an idea for some Green Man inspired plaques but had been putting it off because I was afraid they wouldn’t be good enough. I had spent money I can ill afford on clay and tools and people had bought me books and accessories in good faith. What if it was all a waste? What could I tell them? It was my partner who brought it home, as he sat at the table while I worked doing the accounts…’Its supposed to be fun!’

And there it was…the meaning of life in a nutshell, ‘Its supposed to be fun.’ If it doesn’t work, what does it matter? I’m only just starting, it will be better next time; and if its not, who cares? What matters, all that matters is ‘Am I enjoying it’? Once I saw this a lot of things started to fall into place. I am terrified that what I do will not be good enough, or, to be absolutely honest, that it will not be perfect. A blank page may not achieve anything, but at least it does not contain any mistakes. I am fascinated by religion. I enjoy my work, my studies, writing. Yet I consistently deny myself the enjoyment of these things because what I have to offer might not be ‘good enough’.

So this year I have only one resolution written into my diary. To go easy on myself; enjoy what I am doing because this moment, this task, this opportunity will never come again and to remember that not every tiny little thing that I do has to be perfect! This post is the first step towards it. I meant to blog a lot last year and finally managed two posts because the page doesn’t look perfect, there are things I haven’t figured out how to do yet and what I have to say might not be very interesting. All of those things are still true, but I’m going to do it anyway, because its fun. There may be spelling mistakes, I may say some daft things, you might all have a good laugh at me, but can fix things as I go along (a revolutionary idea for me!) and I’ll be laughing too!

Happy New Year!